Nobody likes being the bearer of bad news, especially if that includes giving difficult feedback to people about their performance, but it is a necessary evil for being an effective manager.

Anyone responsible for managing others –and even those who aren’t – will, at some point, have to deliver difficult feedback. Maybe you need to give a client a ‘reality check’ or report your disappointment with a supplier’s performance?

Whatever it is, it’s never easy, but understanding the psychology of how we receive criticism and employing strategic communication tactics can make the process less unpleasant and more productive.

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What happens in our brains when we receive criticism

Receiving negative feedback is so difficult because we are hardwired to always believe we are in the right. Research shows that we are more likely to blame failure on external factors, and also that we perceive personal criticism as a primal threat.

According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, criticism that lowers us in the eyes of others and jeopardises our social standing can feel like a threat to our actual survival.

What’s more, says Charles Jacobs, author of ‘Management Rewired: Why Feedback Doesn’t Work and Other Supervisory Lessons from Brain Science’, if we receive feedback that conflicts with our self-image our tendency is to change the information.

The brain’s defence mechanism is activated, we skew the feedback we received in order to protect our egos and consequently we fail to make any changes.

The bottom line is, accepting negative feedback does not come naturally, so how can you address issues constructively when you’re the manager charged with bringing about positive changes by delivering the feedback in the first place?

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1. Listen more

Usually we approach feedback delivery as an almost one-way discussion where we give our thoughts on an individual’s performance and highlight areas in need of improvement.

But although it might seem counter-intuitive, the best way to give really helpful feedback is by asking open questions and listening to the responses. By asking the recipient how they think they’ve performed and whether they had any issues it enables a dialogue to be opened up without any finger pointing.

Hear what they have to say and then address any issues they flag up. Ask them to speak in detail about any areas you specifically want to address and ask for their suggestions for improvement. This way, rather than apportioning blame, the individual takes ownership over any ‘failures’, and it makes them more motivated to make changes.

According to the Harvard Business Review, the more you listen to employee views before giving feedback, the better the employee experiences and understands the feedback. It’s all about making sure they agree with the basis of the feedback, and, crucially, buy into the course of action.

2. Use non-confrontational language

The language you use (as well as your body language and tone) can make a big difference to the way the feedback is received.

Try to focus any criticism on the situation rather than the person, so you might say: “There were some discrepancies around the amount of special meals delivered and the amount ordered.” As opposed to saying: “You failed to deliver the right amount of special meals. You made a mistake with the numbers.”

Using neutral language helps separate the problematic situation from the person’s identity, allowing them to focus on what you’re saying without feeling personally confronted.

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3. Make sure your criticism comes from the ‘right place’

My friend’s mother had a hand-painted poster displayed in her downstairs cloakroom that read: “Is it kind, is it true, is it necessary?”

This mantra really stuck with me and it’s something I try to call to mind when I might be tempted to say something negative. Your feedback should not simply be an excuse to vent because you’re in a bad mood or because you made a mistake yourself and want to shift the blame. And it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be unnecessarily critical just because you’re in a position of power.

The feedback should always be conveyed with good intentions and it should be helpful to the recipient. Making sure your criticism comes from the right place, is measured and proportional, is key to how it is received.

4. Pick the right time

Following on from the point above, immediately after a misdemeanour is not the best time to give feedback. You will likely be feeling angry and this emotion can result in your criticism being out of proportion. This will only lead to additional conflict.

Make sure you are calm and have had plenty of time to think through what you want to say. The feedback should be constructive – designed to help the recipient make positive changes, rather than to tear strips off them.

In addition, try to ensure the time you choose to deliver the feedback is right for the recipient. For example, not during a particularly stressful day or after they’ve received some other bad news.

5. Finish on a positive

Criticism stays with us. According to psychologist Nicole Force, our brain’s natural ‘negativity bias’ means it gives more attention to negative experiences than to positive ones. That means receiving criticism will always have a greater impact than receiving praise.

One way to help mitigate this is by finishing the feedback session with some heavy praise and stressing how much you value the individual. Additionally, you can put a positive spin on the criticism itself by explaining to the recipient how you will work with them to address the issues.

You might say something like: “I’m going to partner you with Julie to act as your mentor. She can help you develop your skills so you can start seeing the career progression you aspire to and we want for you too.”

The more of the conversation you can frame positively, the more likely your recipient is to be in the right frame of mind to make the change you’re looking for.

Related: How to stay positive when things don’t go your way

6. Invite upward feedback

As we know, no one enjoys receiving feedback if it’s not entirely positive, so this suggestion is unlikely to sit comfortably, but inviting upward feedback from your team is critical to improving performance across the board.

It’s possible that your actions have contributed to the displeasing situation – maybe the brief was not detailed enough, there wasn’t adequate support put in place or you simply failed to communicate clearly enough. This is need-to-know information.

It also makes for a more level playing field if both parties have the opportunity to speak openly and honestly.

What’s more, research shows that seeking upward feedback from subordinates is critical to how you are perceived as a manager.

One study conducted with 252 managers over five years, found that managers who sought upward feedback and met with their direct reports to follow-up on it, improved more than managers who did not. Those initially rated ‘poor’ or ‘moderate’ managers became more highly regarded.

It’s not just employees who can provide valuable feedback; it also applies to external customers, suppliers and peers. Never miss an opportunity for self-development – welcome feedback yourself and you will enjoy far greater respect when you come to give feedback to others.

Related: 5 Ways to deal with negative feedback from attendees

Conclusion

If you can view feedback – both good and bad – as a positive thing, as a chance for growth rather than a weapon to be deployed in anger, then you will always approach it well.

Before you speak, remember to ask yourself: “Is it kind, is it true, is it necessary?” and if you can answer “yes” to all three, you can be sure your feedback is justified.