Negotiating isn’t just about securing big pay rises, peace treaties or the release of hostages!

We negotiate everyday, at home and at work, about everything from who should empty the dishwasher or look after the kids, through to margins, contracts with suppliers and promotions.

Therefore, it is important to understand the basic psychology at play when we seek to negotiate with another party.

According to psychologist Daniel L. Shapiro, Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, who has trained Palestinian and Israeli negotiators, there are five “core concerns” that are critical in negotiating.

Autonomy – do not trample on a person’s freedom to make decisions by imposing a decision on them. Ask for their input instead.

Appreciation – do they feel heard, understood and valued by you? Do you feel appreciated by them?

Affiliation – don’t treat them like an adversary. It should not be me vs. you, but two people sitting side by side.

Status – do you respect their status? Are you showing them respect?

Role – do they have a meaningful role in the negotiation? Invite them into the role of problem solver or devil’s advocate to help you reach mutual gains.

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However, according to Richard Searson, who runs personal and business development company Phoenix Coaching, the most important part of negotiating happens before the face-to-face meeting.

“It’s all about planning and writing down your needs; what is essential and what can be compromised,” he says. “Then it’s about sticking to the bottom line in your discussions. Be prepared to walk away and have thinking time.”

Richard also adds that it’s important to be realistic in your negotiations and respect the limitations of the other party.

“In every situation you will have what is negotiable and what is not, but usually what is not is much smaller than what is,” he says.

“Your approach will depend on what it is you are dealing with. For example buying your weekly food shop is non-negotiable with the person at the till. However buying a car has more options.

“Once you are offered a new role at work is when negotiation can take place as to salary etc. Likewise, when contracts are up for renewal is the time to negotiate with utility suppliers.

“Every successful negotiation is about knowing the facts and working out within these what is possible – aiming for a win-win outcome.”

During face-to-face negotiations, Richard advises keeping a close eye on body language to assess how things are progressing.

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James Wilkins, MD of creative communications agency Vista, agrees non-verbal communication is equally as important as verbal in the negotiation process.

“Negotiations, particularly business negotiations are a little like tennis,” says James, who has much experience negotiating with clients, including 15 FTSE 100 companies.

“Mirroring is crucial throughout the process. In the early stages of what appears to be a difficult negotiation match the tone, volume, tempo and body language of your ‘opponent’ so that it is clear you won’t be cowed.

“Subconsciously this also makes the other party think you are on the same page and should keep the tension low and the success rate high.”

Don’t be afraid to show flexibility as it can actually help get you what you want, he adds.

“People often think negotiation is about who breaks first, in actual fact this has little to do with who will come out strongest,” he says. “A very effective strategy is to feign concession and, having made something that is not actually important to you appear more important, you willingly put it on the table as a sweetener.

“The other party will see you playing ball and the whole process can usually move forward quickly and smoothly.”

However, learning how to negotiate is not really about playing games, says James: “Honesty and clarity are important elements of any negotiation, you should be able to level with the other party and get on the same page with the simple reality of what is reasonably achievable for both sides.

“Playing your cards close to your chest can only get you so far unless you are playing poker and in reality few negotiations are actually like Texas Hold’em. You can show your hand and still maintain position and not give ground you are unwilling to give.

“The most important thing is to come to the table knowing exactly what you want, be willing to be flexible where you can and fixed where you can’t.”

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Conclusion

Entering into any negotiation can seem daunting, but particularly when it is with someone you deem to have the upper hand, such as a boss or bigger, more powerful company. However, the hardest part is opening up the conversation.

Once it’s on the table, it’s up for discussion. They will listen to your point of view and you will hear theirs. The worst thing that can happen is that they can so no, but as long as you have approached the negotiation with respect and understanding, it won’t damage your relationship.